Sunshinelittleone's Blog

All about my love for the Lord

In my life I loved you more…

on April 28, 2011

19 years is a lifetime. Think of all that happens in 19 years. Almost a generation of time. My dad went to be with the Creator 19 years ago this day. I miss him.
It’s hard to imagine that life has continued to ebb and flow for the past 19 years without him. Without him to watch a graduation. Without him to hear the news of a wedding. Without him to celebrate the birth of a grandson and the birth of a redheaded granddaughter…named for him, Caroline Dale. Dale. The name is on my mind everyday. I wonder what life would have been like if he had remained this side of heaven for the past 19 years. Would there have been a wedding and two beautiful babies born? I’m not sure. Only God knows.
That’s just it…only God knows. See, I believe that our days are written and counted by God long before we are brought into this world. I believe that each and every breath we breathe has a purpose known by God long before our lungs take in air. I believe that if my dad had not died my life would never have been as sweet as I know it.
My dad died in 1992. Seems like yesterday seems like a moment ago…but a lot has happened. A lot of life has been lived. I was 17. 17 and so much younger than I thought I was at the time. I was so very young. So very helpless, yet hopeful. I have always had hope.
I believe that when my dad died God set my path in motion. I believe that since that April day God has been moving metoward this very moment. The moment I just left; lying in bed with my sweet little boy as he drifted off to sleep.
If my dad had not died I would have never packed up all of my earthly possessions in two giant blue bins, in the trunk of my 1989 Ford Probe, headed south. A very northern girl heading south. Imagine! I imagine Dale laughed! I left for Virginia in May 1996. I had always claimed that it was as though my dad had orchestrated the entire move. See, my mom was a kind woman, but she was a sick woman. My mom was an alcoholic and she submerged herself in a bottle from the time my dad died until she went to be with Jesus just a few years ago. My mom and I had a difficult time getting along and I had to move…or rather run away. I needed to be free from the grief and pain and life without my dad…so he moved me to Virginia. Or so I thought. I thought it was him who moved me to Virginia. Really, it was God. My heavenly father.
God has a way of using our pain, suffering, grief for something greater…much greater. Greater than we could ever imagine. God takes us through the wilderness and brings us out stronger.
So, since I packed that hot, black Probe with NO AC and headed south, my life has been greater than I could have EVER imagined. Has it been hard? YES! Has it been overwhelming? YES! Have there been days that I wish I could do over? YES, weeks and months and years I wish I could rewrite…but not God. NO, God wanted me to endure it all. To come out the other side praising Him. And I do…do I ever! This is my life, the life I can’t imagine not living. Since that warm May day, 15 years ago my life has been amazing! I met and fell in love with Rick. Rick who God created just for me to love. I got to marry Rick. I get to spend my life loving my best friend everyday. Would that have happened if Dale hadn’t died so early? And, Rick and I get to usher two sweet little children through life. Two little children created specifically for us to love. Created by God, just for us! But most importantly through the loss of my father I found Jesus. I found and fell in love with God. I gave my life to Christ. I don’t know if that would have happened if Dale hadn’t died when I was so young. So young and helpless yet hopeful.
Yes, I miss Dale. I miss him so much my heart aches…even 19 years later. I miss him so much that I can see his face perfectly in my mind. I miss him so much that I can remember his last day as though it was yesterday. But…I am so grateful that God gave me the gift of a wonderful father. I am so grateful that God let me love the dad who I was created for, and that he gave me 17 perfect years with him. I am grateful that God took my dad home, because his death was not in vain, it was for a greater purpose. My dad’s death was in essence to bring me life. God only knows what would have happened to me if I had stayed in Michigan. But I will never know. All I know is that I think of every day as a precious blessing from the Creator.
So, today I will cry. I will miss my dad, I will wish he was here. I will cry when all I want to do is be by his side. I will cry when I feel frustrated because my dad isn’t a phone call away to hear my joy or sorrow. But, I will find comfort and give thanksgiving that I am a daughter of God. I will be joyful that in my sorrow God is always listening. I will give praise and thanksgiving that the God who created me has a great purpose for my life, clearly He has to this point!
I raise my glass to the world’s greatest father. I thank God that I got to love him and that I get to cherish his memory…always.

“There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more”…John Lennon


4 responses to “In my life I loved you more…

  1. Mindy says:

    So sweet…love you

  2. Al says:

    Thanks for sharing, Sam. Your father would have been very proud of the awesome woman you are and the great family you have.

  3. […] In my life I loved you more… ( […]

  4. Jenn Lanz says:

    Yes – your dad would be proud of you and I know would love to see those beaufitul children you created. I am close with and fond of my dad and this just brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I think how unlucky I am or I am going through a hard time and I forget that I have a lot (not posessions) but family members still alive to enjoy life with. I do not know how I will handle losing a parent or both of them as you did so early. You have become such a strong and lively person. Things do happen for a reason and sometimes only God knows that reason.

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