Sunshinelittleone's Blog

All about my love for the Lord

And so it goes…

on May 3, 2011

My mom used to say that. “And so it goes.” I guess a reporter she liked said it, she wanted to be like her. My mom wanted to be like a lot of people. Movie stars, models, airline stewardesses, Mother Theresa…anyone but who she was. I wonder what she would have been like had she just been herself. She died. She passed away nearly six years ago. So, if you are keeping up with my writing you’ll note that both of my parents are in Heaven. I’ll see them again…someday.

My mom was an extraordinary woman. She had a beauty unlike anyone I’d ever known. Beautiful, Irish Setter redhair. Bright blue eyes and freckles…freckles that when she sat in the sun made her skin a golden brown. She smiled, but not too often. I could always make her laugh. Even when we were at odds, she always would laugh. We’d always make up…

Usually we’d make up, until we didn’t. The last time I spoke to my mom we fought. Six months later I received a call in the middle of the night; she was gone. Forever. That’s a tough pill to swallow. She and I were oil and vinegar. Gasoline and Fire. We had a way of pushing each other’s buttons. I always thought it was because we were so different. It’s because we were so “the same”. I didn’t realize that until I became a mom.

My mom in a word was eccentric. She meant to be that way, but she didn’t embrace that about herself. Not the way she should have, or could have. She wanted to be anyone but who she was. She never felt like the life she lived was “enough”. I guess we are all a bit like that. Always hoping, wanting, waiting for something better. I wish she could have seen the woman I saw.

My mom was smart. Some book smart, but really street smart. She understood people. She had a sixth sense about her. She would either love you are hate you. Not the most redeeming quality, but a quality I have since learned to embrace. She always knew who was going to break my heart. She was always right. Amazing how a mom can do that! She loved Rick when she met him, however, she did make it very clear, under the 15th street pier no less, that if he ever hurt me, there would be trouble. He’s never hurt me, he loves me like no one I could ever imagine. He loves me unconditionally, the way my mom did. That’s a gift.

She was glamorous. Way more than I could ever hope to be. She loved fashion. But never expensive fashion. She always said, “No matter how poor you are, you can always be clean and look nice.” I agree. She made dressing fun. She made it an adventure. She always looked beautiful…always.

My mom loved Christ. She was so in love with the Lord. Funny, I didn’t really realize how much until I became a mom. She carried in her wallet Phillipians 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”. She really loved the Lord. Although those words were carried with her more places than I can imagine; she thought she could do all things.

My dad died in 1992. My mom was filled with grief. Consumed with grief. Her life was over-wrought with grief. She didn’t turn to Christ for strength. She drank. She fought the demon of alcoholism for 13 very long years. She fought hard. She was noble in her efforts to quit; most of the time. She was determined to quit; some of the time. She was remorseful about her choice to drink; all of the time. That’s what came between us. That’s what seperated us…until the day she died.

I was stunned. In disbelief. Horrified, that my mom had predicted her own death. Not the day or time. Not the exact moment. But she had always said she would die alone. She did. She died by herself in her apartment on a Sunday night. She dreaded Sunday nights. She felt alone on Sunday nights.

I felt the Lord speak to my heart. The Holy Spirit really. She didn’t die alone. He was with her all along. This next thing has brought me comfort and joy…My mom finally realized and admitted she could not do all things. She finally gave it all up to Jesus. He called her home. He took her out of her wilderness and brought her to Him. He eased her troubled heart and took away her burdens. He made her whole again. He was her strength.

As I worshiped in church one Sunday, on what would have been the “anniversary” of her death, I felt the Lord again. In my heart I saw her. I saw her free and beautiful without the chains of her addiction. I saw her smiling. What a gift.

So…I am like my mom. I am strong. I am kind. I love my family unconditionally and…And I LOVE Christ. I put my faith in Him. I know that through His strength I can do all things. I know that with Him I am never alone.

Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom. Thank you that you struggled. Thank you that you felt weak. Thank you that you grieved. For through your struggles, and weakness, and grief I came to Christ. I found strength in the Lord. I’ve said it before, He takes us through the wilderness for a very specific, and perfect purpose. My mom had great purpose. What a blessing it is to be her daughter.

I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I’m living, my momma you’ll be.


3 responses to “And so it goes…

  1. Mindy says:

    So Beautiful…..Thank you for being so open and honest in sharing you with us!

  2. Kelly says:

    Amazing how we are shaped by both the glories and the griefs of our life, and both are so so precious. In fact, I am growing to embrace the idea that the griefs in our lives are precious in a weightier, more solid way. If Jesus was a man of sorrows, who bore the weight of the world, what on earth can we have in common with Him, if not little griefs and sorrows of our own? Moms, I think are so near God’s own heart, with our tenderness, our losses, our hurts and fragility.

  3. Amen! Thanks for reading Kelly! I love you!

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